A year ago today, I was miserable. I was probably still in the midst of having my post-dengue trauma which causes severe hair loss; and yeah it lasted all throughout November and December last year. If it wasn’t because of my originally thick hair; I think I would have looked bald. Yeah most people may joke or laugh about it, but its not the balding part that was scary; its the idea of waking up in the morning with your pillow filled with strands of hair. My most embarrassing moment was probably when I was at a friend’s place, sat on his couch; and ta-daaa one chunk of hair on his sofa. It was a pretty traumatic experience, doctor reassured me that once its all over; you’ll get it all back. Thank god it did, but it still scares me.
A year ago today, I was at a turning point. I’d like to believe so for the very least. There was so much going on at that point, things were messy and I think my sudden decision to leave Malaysia for Melbourne caused quite a bit of a problem. I remember being distant with my friends and family subconsciously; and if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t have realized that I have that habit of keeping a distance because I really fear goodbyes. I knew one thing for sure last December; I wanted a change in my life. That was my ultimate goal.
I gave up my five year relationship with Alvin. I gave up my social life, and everything I’ve established myself with back home because I knew that those things don’t make me happy anymore. I needed something with substance, something from within, something that makes me happy regardless of all circumstances; I needed me. Nobody understood why I made the brutal call to just drop everything, and to start a new being a nobody; to lead a normal life away from all the privileges. It was my choice to not own a car in Melbourne, because I wanted to feel ordinary. My Malaysian ways, cruising in expensive cars at a young age might spoil you in some ways. I think sometimes it best to just count your blessings, and not live life for the sake of others.
I wanted a normal life. I wanted to suffer on my own. I’ve never really committed to any house chores, handled any bills, couldn’t cook for nuts, never had to do my own laundry, lets not start with grocery shopping; and now I can do it all. I needed to grow up and I know that i’ll never be able to really grow up till I leave home; if you don’t feed yourself, food is not gonna pop out of nowhere on its own. I feel great about this current version of myself now, as much as there’s quite a lot of room for improvement; I like myself now. Its normal to feel like life demands the juice out of you as a teenager, but at some point, you have to step up your game and grow some serious guts to just move on to the next phase.
I’d like to consider myself lucky because I have amazing people in my life. I knew that there’ll always be someone to catch me when I fall, but I wanted to catch myself when I fall instead. Do you get what I mean? I wanted no back up plans, no one to cover my mess, no one to fill in any void; thats just being a child. I think the best thing about my rough patch with Leon in September sort of drove that side out of me. To catch myself when I fall, and I think I must have done that on a trampoline. I know one thing is for sure, if the worst has happened; it can only get better. With or without a back up plan; I think i’m way stronger than I think I was.
My crazy boyfriend makes me really happy. I think that was the main reason why I couldn’t give it up. I’ve never been in a relationship with so much happiness and fun all the time. We’re both hilariously lame. We were at the Elsternwick train station last night, missed the train by FIVE seconds and so we had twenty minutes to kill. Leon said since I missed the gym today, I shall do some lifting and he just hugged me; and literally lifted me up. I said put me down and as always; he gave me a firm no. So for a moment I sounded like a chipmunk being squeezed like a soft toy and went on a loud eeeeeeeeeeelppppp. It was hilarious.
A year ago today, I was unhappy. Today, I know I am happy.
I was complaining last night about not being able to catch my tv series on his computer, I don’t fall asleep easily when I’m not at home; so in exchange I think he stayed up till I fell asleep. For some reason the table light in his room was left on, I can’t sleep with total darkness. As far as I remembered before falling asleep, the room ceiling lights were still on; so he probably left in on just in case I wake up in the middle of the night. Btw, I’m blogging from Leon’s home; my place is in a total mess with boxes packed up everywhere. This place reminds me of home.
Have a great weekend ahead. Remember to make it count!
If you constantly like something its missing in your life, its highly possible that its you that’s missing.